We Need More Organic Sleep

Author’s Note: I wrote this satire piece back in 2019, inspired by Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop empire; it was accepted by Kasma Magazine, a now-defunct publication. With the rise of ChatGPT and our descent into an increasingly dystopian future, I keep thinking about how mini-novs and Nidra might soon become a reality.

OP-ED: We Need More Organic Sleep

A few weeks ago, for the first time ever in my adult life, I slept. It’s difficult to capture the feeling in words, and I say that as someone who writes for a living.

In the days before Nidra, sleep was all the rage. The average American wasted six hours with “shuteye,” although most craved the eight-hour minimum that sleep scientists of the time recommended for good health. Can you imagine losing a third of your workday in a blink? A beach house could be remodeled in that amount of time. With that many free hours, you could ride the hyperloop from coast to coast four times (I wouldn’t recommend that, by the way — the acid reflux is horrendous).

But a pill like Nidra is not a full substitute for natural, organic sleep, especially not the cheap knockoff brands many people have come to rely on. Yes, research has shown that Nidra is perfectly safe, with no adverse long-term health effects, aside from extremely rare cases of hemiplegic migraines and loss of bladder control. It bears repeating that, despite media hysteria, no scientific link has been found between sleep substitution pills like Nidra and increased suicide rates.

Thanks to Nidra, Centennials are more productive and efficient than any prior generation. Almost 62% of the population works the federal limit of eighty-four paid hours a week, and some salaried employees are able to work even more than that!

However, our quality of life increases exponentially when we take the time to slow down. Occasional organic sleep can make a huge difference by resetting our natural circadian rhythm. I’m talking better heart health, easier digestion, cancer prevention, and improved stamina in all areas of life.

Let me illustrate this point with a personal story.

I myself put in sixty hours a week as an Influencer and Mini-Nov Author; fewer hours are ideal, given the demanding and non-routine nature of my creative lifestyle. I usually churn out three mini-novs a day, because I know my audience is hankering for entertaining content in their free time. After all, the first thing you want to do after a fourteen-hour shift is relax with a good story.

So, one day, I decided to push myself to beat the local record for mini-nov production, which was eight mini-novs published in a twenty-four-hour period. At the time, I was number five on the leaderboard, but I knew I could do better. Without watching the clock, I went through my process: I let the software produce a randomized plot template, and I selected the optimal combination of setting and character details — it’s my gift, and what my followers really know me for. With the manuscript populated, I added more realistic emotions and replaced clichéd sensory details with fresh language. Then I changed the autogenerated character names to the names of my biggest fans, to give my readers that added layer of immersion.

Writing mini-novs isn’t like some menial job, doing the same thing all the time, and it involves so much more than filling in the blanks. It’s really an exercise in staying true to the form while creating a narrative that’s meaningful and tailored to your audience.

After publishing ten new mini-novs, I felt absolutely drained, creatively and emotionally. Although I was proud to see my name at the top of the leaderboard — in terms of both output and profit — I realized it was an unsustainable lifestyle. During those twenty-four hours, I would’ve forgotten to eat if I didn’t have a timed meal delivery. I only showered once and let the notifications pile up in my feeds. I couldn’t keep up with the intensity of my own ambition. Something in me needed a rest.

That’s when I saw a commercial on my window for Dreamlander, a five-star sleep retreat. The name is a bit of a misnomer, given that dreams — i.e., visual and auditory hallucinations while one is unconscious — aren’t possible for most visitors due to sustained Nidra usage. However, according to the Dreamlander staff, the likelihood of dreaming increases with longer stays and repeated visits.

I decided to take a full week off work, to improve my chances of dreaming. Although I didn’t end up having the full dream experience, I highly recommend reading the dream archive in the testimonials (one guy dreamed a giant squid had swallowed him whole, and then he turned into a bowl of talking tapioca pudding — wild stuff!). Dreamlander offers a variety of deals, all with different health benefits. I decided on the Organic SuperSleep Rejuvenation Package.

It was a wonderful experience.

My first day at the retreat, they told us all to skip our Nidra pill that morning, which I did with some trepidation. We’ve all heard horror stories of sleep deprivation before — the dangers of forgetting to take the pill, then passing out in the middle of the street or off the side of a bridge. I’d never experienced drowsiness before, at least not when it came to lack of sleep. I didn’t know exactly what I would feel, but I certainly didn’t expect it when the sensation finally hit me — it felt like being drunk!

Over the next two days, I attended scheduled activities designed to promote true, healthy, organic sleep. I played tennis; I took baths in the hot springs; I enjoyed five-course meals; I got deep-tissue massages. Afterward, they told us to head to our rooms to enjoy some cinema or a mini-nov, no thrillers or action entertainment allowed. I asked if I should count sheep in my head, but the Sleep Makers told me that was an old wives’ tale that rarely, if ever, actually helped people sleep. They gave us all a pair of pre-fitted lazywear, which I learned had once been called “pajamas,” or “jammies,” clothes designed specifically for sleep.

By that point, I was already crazy drowsy and mumbling about whether I should buy the newest hero’s journey or classic retelling mini-nov template, just like I do when I’m buzzed.

Then everything went black.

When I opened my eyes, I didn’t remember ever closing them. I still felt tipsy, but my head got less fuzzy as I sat up in the fluffy white bed (that was another weird aspect of my time at Dreamlander — doing something in bed other than reading a mini-nov or, well, more strenuous activities).

“Did you sleep well?” came a woman’s soothing voice over the room’s speakers.

“I think so,” I said. It was hard to know how to define “good” sleep, since I had never experienced it, at least not since I reached the approved medical age at four years old. “How long have I been gone?”

“You’ve been asleep for nearly ten hours,” she told me cheerily. I was astonished. So much lost time! But then I reminded myself that the whole point of this sleep retreat was to sleep. To experience something new and to feel healthier — although that last point remained to be seen.

Then it happened. About twenty minutes after I “awoke,” I felt a high. Suddenly, I was amazingly energized — even more than I usually felt after taking a dose of Potentia.

The next few days of the retreat passed so quickly that I almost cried when I realized I was on my seventh and last day at Dreamlander. Every sleep session was more addictive than the last. I had never felt anything like it before. It was like having no memory of your present life or your own existence — which sounds kind of scary, but I promise it’s more like vacationing somewhere away from the city to look up at the night sky, a comforting and infinite darkness. I really didn’t want to leave, but I had to.

The Sleep Makers recommended I take Nidra before I checked out of my room. I stared at the little purple pill in my palm after not having taken one for a week and wondered what life would be like without it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a blessing to have full control of how we spend every hour of our time. But I knew I would miss the feeling of total helplessness I got from my organic sleep, as odd as that sounds.

When I got home and sat back down at my desk to write, I decided to purchase the newest hero’s journey template because, like the protagonist of a well-told story, I had just experienced a life-changing arc. It was then that I discovered yet another benefit of organic sleep: an unmatched creativity boost.

That day, I beat my own record by publishing thirteen mini-novs in twenty-four hours.

In our fast-paced modern world, we’re doing ourselves a disservice by neglecting our bodies’ fundamental needs. Many people ignore the health benefits of organic foods, particularly locally grown fruits and vegetables, eating factory-farm vegetables packed with pesticides or unhealthy cookies and chips instead. Unfortunately, those in low-income communities are especially prone to this behavior. They eat poorly because they just don’t care enough about their bodies to eat well. It’s the same story when it comes to organic sleep, yet the advantages of such positive behavior cannot be overstated. We all need to practice self-care and holistic wellness.

There’s no excuse for us to neglect our organic sleep health at the expense of our individual — and societal — wellbeing. If one cog has rusted, the whole machine might stop running.

Going forward, I plan to dedicate one week per month to an organic sleep retreat, and I urge you to do the same. By applying common sense, we can all close the gap between what we are and what we could be.

Use my referral code SLEEPNOW17890 to get 5% off your first Dreamlander experience, which starts at $3,999 per retreat! Treat your body right, spend the night.